


Without Any Fear

by likehandlingroses



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/M, Merry Christmas everybody I'm crying, so a little outdated but I Miss The Days when Neal being alive was taken for granted so!, this is a vintage fic from my pre-Ao3 days
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-21
Updated: 2017-12-21
Packaged: 2019-02-18 05:49:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13093707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/likehandlingroses/pseuds/likehandlingroses
Summary: With Rumple’s undoing an impending reality, Belle and Bae make an effort to ensure that he understands his importance to them, come what may.





	Without Any Fear

Belle had seen him seething with anger or shaking with sorrow. She’d felt his hands tense with anxiety, seen his eyes widen with hope and love. Sometimes even joy crossed his face.

But this…this was something she hadn’t seen before. For never, as long as she had known him, had Rumplestiltskin worn an expression of such outright fear. 

“We’ll think of something,” Belle said.

“I have to leave town. I have to forget,” he replied, voice hollow.

She protested all she could, but he knew the laws of magic better than she did. He had to leave, and he had to forget, at least for a time.

It had started a few weeks before. First the headaches, the strange moods. Belle had worried, even then, but he’d brushed it off.

Then he hadn’t come home one day until late at night, unable to tell her where he had been.

“I didn’t know it was so late, I…I must have dozed off.”

She could see in his eyes that something was wrong.

It happened again the next day, and this time she didn’t wait for him to come home. She found him in his shop, absorbed with some spell. This gave her pause, for Rumple was now very much in the habit of telling her when he intended to use magic.

“Rumple…?”

He looked up.

“Can I help you, dearie?”

 “What?” Belle tried to smile, but the ferocity his eyes made her unable.

“Ah, you see, answering my question with another isn’t going to get us very far, is it? Let me rephrase: do ya need something?”

There was something unnatural and unsettling in the way he spoke, the way his hands moved.

“I…Rumple, are you all right?”

He giggled.

“Another question, dearie? I’m flattered at your concern, but you’d better spit out what you want. And if you don’t want anything, get out.”

“Do you…do you know who I am?”

“Is this a riddle of some sort? Do you disappear when I get the answer right? At least give me a hint.”

“Rumple, if this is some kind of a joke, it’s not-”

“You know, I’ve decided I’m not interested in playing games today, dearie. Very busy.” He gestured to the array of bottles in front of him.

“I…Rumple, it’s me. It’s Belle.” She didn’t know what else to do, what else to say. None of it seemed quite real. He was wearing the very same tie she’d helped him pick out this morning. The sandwich she’d packed him sat on the counter, half eaten. Everything looked to be in order. Except for he was gone, and she didn’t know how or why or what she could do to get him back.

She felt her eyes fill with tears as she walked out of the shop and stood on the sidewalk. She pulled out her phone, trying not to sob. There wasn’t anyone she knew who could fix this problem.  But there was someone who would care enough to help her sort it all out.

“Hello?” Bae answered.

“Hey, it’s Belle. Something’s wrong.”

“What do you mean?”

“Rum-your father- is…he didn’t come home, and I went to the shop and he…he doesn’t know who I am.  And he’s doing magic and talking like…like he did before.” She stifled another sob.

There was a brief silence on the other end, and then Bae spoke, his voice shaking.

“I’ll be there in a second, okay? Just, give me a second, I’ll be right there.”

True to his word, Bae was there in a matter of minutes. Without even speaking to Belle, he burst into the shop. Rumple’s head shot up the minute the bell on the door rang.

“Another visitor? What’s the occasion, I wonder?”

Bae was over to the counter in a few quick strides.

“It’s Baelfire, Papa.”

“Sorry, what?” He cocked his head.  “I think you must have the wrong place. I don’t have children. Don’t want them. And I certainly wouldn’t name one…what was it? Baelfire? Sounds painful.”

“Hey, look at me.” Bae leaned on the counter, his hands gripping the edge.

“Sorry, dearie, I don’t have time for-”

“Look at me!” he shouted. Rumple’s face shot up, and Belle saw something flicker in his eyes.  

“Bae?” he said, his voice soft and trembling. “Bae, I don’t…what’s happened?”

Bae had his father in his arms in a matter of moments.

“It’s okay, Papa,” he whispered. “You’re okay. I’m here, you’re fine now. You’re back.”

For a moment, they felt relief.

Then, the next day, it happened again. Twice. More and more frequently, and for longer periods of time, this new presence consumed him. Belle could usually keep him from causing any damage, and he always came back to her.

Then he went and assaulted a man. No one he knew, no one who had done anything to him.  Just someone who’d happened to pass by moments after he’d slipped away. Belle tried to stop him, but, once determined to cause destruction, he wouldn’t be stopped. Emma had been as understanding as circumstances would allow, but insisted he be hospitalized.

“Look, Belle, I know you’re watching him, but clearly this is something more than one person needs to deal with. Or two,” she said, looking at Bae. “They’ll take care of him until we figure out what’s going on, okay? And we _will_ figure out what’s going on and fix it, I promise. There’s got to be something.”

Now, three weeks later, it was clear no immediate solution was available, and his condition had only worsened. Rumple theorized that it had something to do with his time spent in Pandora’s Box. He tried to explain it to her one day, but she’d been too disheartened to really pay attention.  All that mattered was what he’d said at the end.

He had to go. He had to forget. To erase the damage that had been done, he must destroy everything. Cut it all out. And then, once they found a way to restore the good, he could come back. _If_ they found a way.

He was set to leave on the second of January. Bae had decided to go with him, to keep him company until he could be taken back. Belle had given herself the task of finding a cure. Which she would do, no matter how long it took. She had to. They’d spent too long fighting to be a family. She’d find a way for them to be one again.

* * *

 

Rumple didn’t want to be alone. He couldn’t pretend, however, that he was perfectly fine with his loved ones seeing him like this: broken and confused, a victim of his own mind’s betrayal.

He knew it bothered Belle to see him chained to a hospital bed. That’s why she’d fought so hard for him to come home for Christmas.

“Our last one,” she’d said to the doctors. He wondered if she really believed that, or if it was merely a ploy to get him out. She always spoke with such confidence to him about finding a cure. She was so brave, his Belle. If anyone could find a way to fix it all, it would be her.

Still, she must have doubts and fears of her own. Ones she was careful to mask in front of him. He hoped she had someone she could share them with. One of her friends. Bae, perhaps. He wished it could be him. If all were right in the world, it would be. But he couldn’t help her now. Not when he could barely order his own mind, not when fear of losing his entire being kept him awake night after night. Not when he spent half his life as a monster, and the other half feeling hollowed out and dirty because of it.

She usually visited every morning, but not today. Today she was preparing for their Christmas Eve celebration.

Instead, Bae arrived at a quarter to five to help him pack his things. His dear boy, who was determined to give up everything to help him. It was a foolish decision, and Rumple had told him as much, many times. Even now, he couldn’t help but broach the subject again.

“I can’t ask you to go with me, son.”

Bae gave him a disgruntled look. “You didn’t. I offered.”

“You know what I mean. To do this…you shouldn’t have to go to such trouble.”

“Well, someone has to.”

“No, actually,” Rumple shook his head.  “We’ve talked about this.”

“Oh, you mean the plan where we just let you leave town on your own after losing all memories of who you are?”

“I will have memories, son.”

 “False ones.”

“Even so…”

Bae gave an exasperated sigh.  “Look, I’m going with you. That’s how it’s going to be, all right? I’m not letting you go out there alone.”

“You mean what I did to you?”

Rumple didn’t know why he’d said it. The last thing in the world he wanted to do was remind his boy of that night. He wanted his forgiveness and love more than anything. But this…this was more than he would ever deserve, and he couldn’t let him do it, couldn’t look him in the eye and accept such a thing after what he’d done.

“God, would you stop that? I don’t know if you think you’re being…apologetic or repentant or whatever, but…you’ve gotta stop.”

Bae looked positively furious, and Rumple winced. He shouldn’t have said anything. He’d brought up too many painful memories, and what right did he have to do that, when things were going so well between them, when they had so little time left?

“I’m sorry,” he said softly. “I know, you’ve said that before, I…I don’t want to fight with you, Bae. Not now. Please, don’t be angry with me, I didn’t mean…of course you wouldn’t want to remember…I’m sorry. I am.”

Tears pricked at the back of his eyes and he fought them fiercely. No tears. Not now.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay,” Bae grabbed his hand. “It’s okay, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have snapped. Hey…look at me.”

Bae gripped both his father’s hands in his own. When Rumple met his gaze, Bae’s eyes softened.

“How long did you spend looking for me? As long as it took, right?”

Rumple nodded.

“And why did you do that?”

“…I had to.”

“Why?”

“Bae…”

Bae squeezed his hands. “Why?”

“Because if I didn’t nothing else would matter. Because I love you.”

Bae closed his eyes for a moment before speaking.

“That’s why I have to go with you. Do you understand?”

“Bae…” Rumple could hear a catch in his boy’s voice that made his heart break.  He turned his head away, blinking back his tears.

“Papa, look at me.”

He did, and Bae gave him one of those brilliant, beautiful smiles he’d spent so long searching for.

“You think I could let you go out there alone and never know what happened to you? I love you, Papa. You know that. How could you ask me to let you go away where I couldn’t find you?”

Rumple let out a sob now. His sweet, noble, _good_ boy. 

“Do you understand that?”

Rumple nodded.

“Good,” Bae whispered. “So no more of this, okay?”

He gave another nod, and Bae rewarded him with a quick kiss to his hands. Rumple gave a satisfied sigh. His boy was right, of course. He usually was.

“All right, well, I think that’s everything. You want to go change, and we’ll go?”

It was funny, how only a few weeks in a hospital gown had made him almost incapable of putting on a suit. Thankfully, he managed it without having to ask for help (though the tie gave him an excessive amount of trouble). Bae greeted his entrance with a smile.

“Perfect,” he said. “Let’s go, I’m parked right out in front.”

 “You got the sedatives, didn’t you?” Rumple asked as he and Bae entered the car. The likelihood of him lasting until tomorrow morning without a spell was unlikely.

He laughed. “You think those doctors would have let me leave without them? I got them in the back, with your stuff. They even showed me how to use them. No worries, okay?”

Bae chattered the whole way to the house. He’d always done that, even as a boy. Rumple took comfort in listening to him, as though nothing could truly be wrong if his son was able to speak incessantly about nothing in particular.

“You’ll see the lights when we pull up. Did them all myself,” Bae grinned. “Well, Belle held the ladder for me and told me where to put them. We did a good job. No accidents, either. I thought for sure I was gonna fall on my ass, but I made it back down alive. Oh, see!”

Sure enough, the entire house was lit up with red and green lights, even up at the very top. Shining reindeer stood on the roof, made up of tiny white lights, and sparkling synthetic icicles dangled from the ledges.

“Wow,” Rumple murmured.

“Cool, huh?”

“It’s beautiful, son.”

“You like this, wait’ll you see the inside.”

They pulled into the driveway, and Bae hurried out so he could open his father’s door.

“Careful of the ice,” he warned. 

The door was unlocked, and Bae rushed him inside.

“Come on, it’s freezing out here,” he said. “Belle! We’re home!”

The first thing that struck Rumple was the warmth. The hospital had always been heated, of course, but never like this. Never in such a welcoming, wonderful way. He looked around in awe at the utter transformation his cold, dark house had undergone in his absence.

The lights outside had only been the beginning. The hallways glittered with garland, and he could see the shining lights of the tree in the living room. Wreaths lined the walls, and the smell of the food permeated the house.

How long had it taken them, he wondered? How many hours spent on something he wouldn’t even remember in a few weeks? Rumple felt Bae’s hand on his shoulder.  

“Like it?”

Before Rumple could formulate a reply, Belle rounded the corner. She beamed at him, and it was only a moment before her arms were around him.

“Belle,” he whispered. She squeezed him tighter to her.

“I’m so happy you’re home,” she said before planting a soft kiss on his lips.

She looked so pleased, so content to be with him here, that he could almost pretend this was forever. That each and every year, they would be the very same. That he could recall this day with fondness years from now. But he couldn’t. Her smile would fade from his memory. Her eyes shining, her hands warm and gentle on him. All of her, gone.

This wasn’t about him, he reminded himself. She _would_ remember this day, always. He must pretend he would as well. He was a selfish bastard, but for her, for his son, he had to put away his fears. For tonight, at least. They’d suffered so much because of him, yet there they were. With him. Wanting him, even when they knew he would only leave them again. All because they were foolish enough to love him.

Love. It was beautiful, inspiring, wonderful. It hurt. God, it hurt so badly. He didn’t want to leave them. He didn’t want to forget.

“Come on,” Belle said, her voice soft, her arm linking with his. “Let me show you what I’ve been working on for dinner.”

* * *

 

Belle wondered if it was all too much. If she was merely reminding him of what he was to lose. If she was being selfish. It hadn’t seemed so before. All of this was supposed to be for him, to bring him joy. Now, seeing the bewilderment on his face, she wondered if she was doing more harm than good.

She looked back, and Bae smiled at her. She took comfort in that. Bae wouldn’t let anything hurt his papa, even a well-intentioned plan gone awry. If he thought everything was all right…

“Now, I tried out about ten different cookie recipes, so you’ll have to make sure to leave room for those,” she joked, and her heart lifted at the smile that crossed his face.

“Oh, I’ll be sure,” he said.

“And there’s a ham and potatoes, and I found a really wonderful recipe for stuffed shells so that’s another side. And I know you like green beans, so I’ve got some of those as well. We’re just waiting on the ham, now. It’s got a few more minutes.”

“It smells wonderful,” he declared.

“Better than what they’ve been feeding you at the hospital, I know that,” Bae teased.

Belle winced at the comment, but Rumple chuckled.

“Belle, can I help you?” he asked as she pulled away from him to check on the ham in the oven.

“No, no. I’ve got everything taken care of. Table’s set and everything. Just don’t pick at the food already set out, all right? Either of you. You know, Rumple, your son is just as bad about that as you are.”

“I taught him well,” Rumple replied, grinning. He looked nearly normal, and Belle had to look away before she ruined the illusion by sobbing. She already missed him, and he wasn’t even gone. He was here, with her, and she was so lucky to even have that.

 _Don’t spoil what we have left,_ she implored herself. _Don’t._

Luckily, Bae had turned his father’s attention towards him, and Belle was able to recover without him noticing anything was amiss.

Soon, the ham was carved up and the food all served. Bae and Rumple were both incredibly complimentary about everything, though that was to be expected. Nonetheless, everything had turned out quite well, even by her estimation. The conversation was easy, light. Just what they all needed, after so many weeks of hospital visits and fear for the future.

She saw it in his eyes first. That’s how it always started. They’d become blank and cold, before a fiery intensity began to flicker behind them. She dropped her utensils, but Bae was already on his feet.

“Suitcase, front pocket,” he said as he grabbed his father’s hands. Belle ran to the foray and threw herself at the suitcase. She fumbled only for a moment before grasping what she needed. She ran back and practically threw it into Bae’s hands. He did the difficult part, the part she couldn’t even bring herself to watch.

 She covered her ears, but she could still hear the struggle, hear the obscenities become incoherent ramblings. Then silence. It was only then that she turned back to help Bae move him to the couch. She took off his shoes and jacket, put a blanket over him, and pulled a chair up to sit beside him, holding his hand in both of her own. With any luck, he’d be himself when he woke again. If that was the case, he’d see her first, right here with him. He’d be in his own home, with a fire roaring and a Christmas tree lighting the room. He’d see he was safe and home and loved, and it would be all right.

Bae sat facing the fire, his hands over his face.

“This was crazy,” he finally muttered. “Jesus, we never should have-”

“It made him happy,” Belle insisted. “You saw him. I haven’t seen him smile so much in such a long time, Bae. This would have happened anyway. Only it would have been past visiting hours and he would have been alone. Now he has us, and he’s home.”

“I know, I know…” Bae sighed. “I just…it’s hard.”

Belle nodded, and they fell into silence.

* * *

 

“Rumple?”

He squeezed her hand, opening his eyes slowly.

“Rumple?”

“Yes,” he said, his voice weary, and she laughed in relief. He closed his eyes again as her hand reached up to brush the hair off of his forehead and stroke his cheek.

“It’s all right,” she whispered. “You’re back with us now.”

“I’m so sorry,” he said, his voice cracking. “I’m so sorry, I’ve ruined everything-”

“Oh, no, no…Rumple…” Belle kissed his hands. “You didn’t ruin anything at all.”

Rumple fought the urge to argue with her. He’d caused her enough distress for one night. Instead, he allowed her to help him sit up. Bae was already behind the couch with a glass of water in hand.

“Do you want to finish your dinner? Maybe a cookie?” Belle asked as he gulped down the water.

Truthfully, he didn’t feel like eating much of anything. She’d worked too hard for him to refuse, however.

“I’ll try a cookie.”

She beamed. “What kind? I have sugar and oatmeal and gingerbread…do you want one of those cinnamon ones you like?”

“Yes, please,” he said.

“Of course,” she said, standing up. “Give me one minute.”

She came back with two in her hand.

“Just in case.” She set one down on the side table and gave the other to him.

“Good?” she asked as he took a bite, and he nodded.

“Very,” he said. “Thank you, Belle.”

“You’re welcome,” she said softly, and Rumple could hear a brokenness in her voice that made him shudder. Whatever she said to the contrary, he had ruined everything. That was what he did. He broke things. He’d tried so hard not to do again, but it seemed that his very nature demanded it of him.

“Sweetheart,” he whispered, and she looked at him, eyes filled with tears. He set the cookie down and held out his hands. “Sit here with me.”

It didn’t take more than that to convince her. She sat on his lap, her arms around his neck and her head nestled against his shoulder. He could feel her shaking, and his arms closed more tightly around her. His fingers combed through her hair, and he kissed her head.

“I know,” he murmured. He could feel the tears on his shirt. “I know. It’s been hard. But we’ll get through, Belle. We’ll get through, you’ll see.”

She looked up at him. “You believe that?”

He cupped her face in his hand and kissed her. “Of course I do. I have faith in you, Belle. You’ll find a way. You and I…well, we’ve never let anything stop us before now have we?”

She smiled at that and leaned back against him, now quite calm. Rumple gave a contented sigh. He’d managed to be a comfort to her after all. They sat there for a long while, until Bae reappeared holding a tray.

“Hot chocolate?”

“Oh, yes! I almost forgot!” Belle hopped off Rumple’s lap and to the tree. “We have gifts too! Well,” she amended. “One gift. From both of us.”

She held out a package covered in blue wrapping paper with white snowflakes. Rumple took it.

“You didn’t have to-”

“Yes, we did, now be quiet and open it!”

He obeyed. Under the paper was a book, only it didn’t have a title. Rumple looked up at Belle in confusion.

“Open it!” she exclaimed.

He did. A picture of man, of _him_ , sitting at a spinning wheel topped the first page. There was an old walking stick leaning against the wall, and a boy played at his feet. He read the words under the picture.

_This is Rumplestiltskin. There are many, many stories which could be told about him (not all of them very happy ones). But this isn’t a book for stories. It’s for moments, as recalled by the people who love him most. Perhaps, at the end, they might make a sort of story. If so, we certainly hope it is a happy one_

_-Belle and Baelfire (Bae)_

The words were handwritten, clearly Belle’s. And the picture above, the one of him sitting at a spinning wheel…his Bae had done that. He turned the pages in wonder. Bae’s fifth birthday…Belle’s library (both of them, he soon discovered)…the first time he’d taught his son how to spin…lunch at Granny’s…all three of them, together for the first time, at the docks.

It was all there. He marveled at how his boy had managed to capture things in his art that he’d never seen before. Belle’s words marked every page, telling what was happening, what was being felt. What each moment meant to them. What _he_ meant to them.

“Thank you,” he managed to choke out. “Thank you so much.”

He stood to embrace Belle, and then Bae. He held his son especially close, and planted a kiss to his head.

“You have a gift for that,” he told him. “They’re beautiful, son, absolutely beautiful. I don’t know how you managed it, but it means the world to me, Bae.”

“It’s no trouble, Papa,” he replied. “I’m glad you like it.”

Bae excused himself after that, his voice slightly strangled. Rumple considered following him, but thought better of it. Some things were better dealt with alone.

“He loved doing it, you know,” Belle said, and he turned back to her. “He told me he used to make pictures for you all the time when he was young.”

“He did. He’s always been talented, you know. And such a good boy,” Rumple answered. “I’m so lucky to have him. To have you.”

“Well,” Belle grinned. “You did do this, you know. Brought us all together. Luck didn’t do it. You did.”

His first impulse was to protest, but his eye caught the book lying on the sofa. Perhaps she was right. Maybe he had given them something in return for their troubles.

“I just feel badly,” he murmured. “I didn’t get you anything.”

He shot her a sly smile, and she bit her bottom lip. He took her by the waist and kissed her, one hand cupping the back of her head. He felt her hands comb through his hair before landing on his neck.

When he finally pulled away, Rumple felt at peace.  This night…all of it would fade from his memory. He hoped it would come back to him. He was even beginning to believe it. Even still, it would leave, and there was no promise any of it would ever return.

But he would never stop being loved. That wouldn’t go away, just because he forgot. Love would seek him out and find new ways to comfort him. Even if he didn’t know where it came from or what it was. That would remain when everything else fell apart. He knew that now.

* * *

 

He’d told that man a hundred times that she would be here at twelve o’ clock sharp. They’d need the apartment cleaned before then, and the table set for lunch. He’d take care of the cooking. All Neal had to do was dust the place and put the papers he spilled all across the coffee table away.

And yet, here it was, eleven thirty, and Neal was nowhere to be found. Gold’s eyes went to the clock every few seconds. The damned thing never moved when he wanted it to, and now it wouldn’t stop.

Eleven fifty came around, and he finally heard the creak of the front door.

“She’ll be here any minute,” Neal said. He beamed in the face of Gold’s disapproving glare.

“You haven’t done any of the things I’ve asked you do. Things you promised to do, I might add.”

“Hey, look, I’m sorry, I got held up at work. But I’m on it!”

Gold frowned.

“I work fast, it’ll be fine!”

To his surprise, Neal managed to make the place presentable before the knock on the door.

“I’ll get it,” Gold said.

He’d never seen her before, not really. She’d sent a few pictures, once, but they certainly hadn’t prepared him for her standing there.

She was beautiful, of course she was. But she was also small and bright and _alive_ in a way she had never been before. Not two moments after he opened the door, she threw herself into his arms, much to his shock.

“You’re here,” he said. _Stupid thing to say, of course she is._   But she only laughed and squeezed him tighter.

“Yes, I am,” she said, finally releasing him. “I’m so happy, thank you for inviting me.”

“Of course, of course. Come in.”

Neal rounded the corner, that ridiculous smile still on his face.

“Hey!”

“Neal, this is Belle. Belle, this is…well, this is Neal.”

“Neal, yes, of course,” Belle shot the young man a look, and Gold felt a sense of unease settle into his stomach. They knew something he didn’t.

Nevertheless, lunch was on the table, and he had to play the part of the host.

“Wait,” Belle said. “What’s that?”

Gold followed her finger to the coffee table. To his surprise, a book lay there. One he’d never seen before. Neal must have brought it home. Belle strode towards the table and picked it up. She opened it and smiled.

“Oh, these are lovely! Who made it?” she asked.

Gold shrugged. “I’ve no idea. Never seen it before.”

“No? Belle handed him the book. “It says it’s about you.”

“About me?” Gold scoffed, but took the book from her.

 _Rumplestiltskin._ Yes, he’d heard the name before. A children’s story. Spun straw into gold. Other than the connection to his name, it certainly didn’t have anything to do with him.

_Belle and Baelfire (Bae)._

Gold looked up at Neal.

“That’s you. The both of you, you’re the ones who…” his eyes traveled back to the pages, and he turned them, now hungry for their contents.

The boy, that was Bae, who was Neal. He knew that, though he didn’t know how. His fingers traced the picture and he smiled.

“My boy,” he murmured. He turned the page, now quite calm. There was Belle, sitting in a castle. His castle. He flipped to the last page, already knowing what he would find.

There they were. With him. His family. He looked up at them, standing there in the room, and then back down at the picture.

“You’ve done it,” he whispered. “My darlings, you’ve done it.”


End file.
